Moments of Clarity

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Every now and then I feel like God gives me a brief look into the way he sees things, and if I don’t write down what I know in those moments, and if I don’t record my thoughts right away, I lose it forever; it becomes merely a memory marked by the hazy thought that God showed me something once, I just can’t remember what.

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Today, when I had one of those little realizations, I was able to write some of it down. Understandably, my small and uneducated words do not do justice to what it is I feel in my heart, and what I know is from my Father, but I will attempt to write what I came to understand.

 

While I was thinking about my relationship with the guys in my life, and what it is I truly want, I began to realize that sometimes all of that fluff and filler I talk about with them is just buying me time until I can pour out my heart to the person that I love. One of my heart’s deepest desires (that I have been able to fathom) to share my heart with someone wholly; with nothing left out, and that is a scary reality. All the flirting and giggles are just a screen that I put up so that I, and anyone in a relationship, can carefully judge  with out getting too hurt, too hurt and too vulnerable, all while having fun at the same time.

 

I think that what I am looking for is someone to engage with in in a relationship that circles around God; I want fellowship where I am secure to explore this life and what it means to truly live. I want someone who challenges me, and for me to challenge them. I wish to reap the benefits that a community with deep vulnerability brings, and the trust that comes with such a deep existence with that one person. (does any of this make sense?)

 

I am fully prepared to support whoever is opposite me in that relationship within God’s embrace. I crave the protection and leadership that a husband could give, and am willing to go through the struggles that would get us to that point of vulnerability. I understand that true love is putting the other persons needs and wants before my own. I understand the reality and ugliness that can be found in these relationships; these things that need to be endured, the trials that come, and the tests that people have to go through in a relationship are endless.

 

The ugly fear of commitment is one that covers many smaller fears; it covers the fear of vulnerability, accountability, openness with another person, and commitment. The key is knowing when and where to apply this openness and commitment and vulnerability. This all boils down to me needing to let the guy initiate and trust that he is prayerfully considering his next move, and I anyone reading this is anything like me then they will understand that waiting patiently is not something that comes easily.

 

What do you think God is telling you these days? Tune into Him, and hear what He wants to tell you.

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Finding Vienna

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Billy Joel is one of my favorite artists, and I can so easily get lost in his songs for hours. Some of them are just great to listen to, but others really make me think. Take, for example, the song Vienna:

Slow down, you crazy child
You’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart, then tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about?
You’d better cool it off before you burn it out
You’ve got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

So often I run around like a maniac trying to get my life in order; I try and pursue ‘Vienna’. I chase after contentment and a life of pure happiness, with no sorrow. But it isn’t in the times of happiness that I grow; it’s the hard times where I am on my knees and crying out to God for release that I grow. So why do I chase after times of tranquility? They aren’t the times that I move forward in. Admittedly, I do need times of rest, and the contented times do have their purpose. But I always say that I want to grow, get to know God more, learn what it means to fully trust him, but to get all of those things I need to go through hard times.

If I were to take a step back and gain a bit of perspective I would realize that what makes ‘Vienna’ so wonderful is the process of getting there. ‘Vienna’ to me is contentment; a settled heart with deeply felt joy. ‘Vienna’ is a resounding shout of joy that is laced with relief after coming through something hard. If ‘Vienna’ were to be handed to me on a gold platter I would value it much less than I would have if I had gone through hell to get there.

So why do I do it? Why do I run from the hard situations, and why do I shy away from challenges? Is the opposite of running away embracing challenges? Running at them head on? Let’s say that it is true- that I should embrace trials- won’t I get exhausted physically and emotionally; not to mention spiritually? Where is the happy medium?

Wow, there I go again. Too many questions. Maybe I should just stop right now before I try and figure too many things out.I think I’ll just sit back, turn my phone off, watch the sunset, and soak in the quietness for a little while.

In fact, Vienna waits for me.

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Definition: Christian

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Lately, I have become quite irritated with some of the ‘lingo’ that ‘Christians’ use. Especially that word… “Christians.” When people say “I’m a Christian too,” what is that supposed to mean? As if we are all set apart? Is there something that makes us better than others because we are Christians? In fact, there is nothing in the bible (or anywhere for that matter) that says “a Christian is a better person.” In the same way, I must ask: Who decides what is better? What is the standard for being a better person, and who are we to judge? Truthfully, the way we use this term nowadays seems to create a barrier, and widen the gap that has already been created. There is a stigma that seems to be attached to this word which does negative things, rather than positive things for us. 


The word “Christian” actually means ‘Christ-one,’ It implies that we belong to Christ, and that we believe that we have been welcomed into his family by accepting the grace that he offers, and if we ask he will ‘forgive us of our transgressions,’ or very literally ‘wipe the slate clean’ for us. It is our way of saying that we are his. As a ‘Christ-One’ we are called to be like Jesus; to love, serve and forgive as he did, but by saying that we are Christians it somewhat defeats the purpose of all of this. It creates a misconception that we are not equal; this is where society gets the ideas that Christians are all delusional, and think they are better than others, which is really not true. 


The next thing that I have to ask is this: why do we do this? and it took me a while to realize such a simple answer; we are afraid. Truly, we are afraid to lower ourselves to the sinful status of others. Although, its the human thing to do. We don’t want them to realize that we are just as disobedient as another person. By broadcasting that we are Christians we think we are giving ourselves an upper edge; painting the picture that Christians have it all together, and have their lives on track. But I will personally be the first to testify that my life is not on track. It strays off-track quite a bit in fact, and I am constantly having to turn to my Father to help me get it ‘back on track.’

 

James 1:22-25– Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a mean who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.